My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
courtroom exchange of the day
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO