What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.