Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
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My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
need him
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs