Pigeon open mic night.
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
2022: I can fix it
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….