BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.