I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Admin smashed it 😂
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
mathematically impossible
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*