[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Leaving the Barbers like
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
me 2 months after i graduated
The glockness monster
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention