I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
can’t bark with your mouth full
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon