Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Cinematography is my passion
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday