Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
scared to check what name she chose
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*