Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.