The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Introverted vegans go meetless
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The struggle is real.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie