my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Personal question. #JustSaying
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*