I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
You Might Also Like
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
beware of dog
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Think I pulled my liver
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Put a ring on it
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.