2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
But is it really??
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.