At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
There’s always that one guy
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
This fish is cracking me up
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.