This fish is cracking me up
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
A woman drives into a bar.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Art by Pastelkatto
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I think I’ll stand
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.