Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.