Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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