coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
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Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Tastes like chicken.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?