You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
You Might Also Like
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
classic mixup
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.