@mellimelle

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

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@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

@SteveKoehler22

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

@SvnSxty

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

@Kryzazy

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient