You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…


Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?


HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.


Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see


When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”


Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient