You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.