You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”