I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we