I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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