Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore