Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!