I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.