@rikpayne

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

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@causticbob

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

@TravLeBlanc

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

@ArtIsMyPorn

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

@threetimedaddy

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

@robin_991

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

@shesananteater

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.