@rikpayne

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

@noog

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

@click4amanda

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@3sunzzz

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@wildrainbow2

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

@LostFelicia

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.