They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.


I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.


Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you


War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.


A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.


*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*


5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.


If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.


I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.