They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
no their not
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time