They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
sigh
![]()
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
![]()
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Hmm, not sure about this change
![]()