Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.