If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.