Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
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I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!