I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me