I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.