i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
my professor scared me for a second