[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Before crowbars crows drank alone
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him