things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Worst perfume name ever.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision