Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You Might Also Like
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!