oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible