Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
This trial is so absurd 😭
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”