[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
new wife guy just dropped
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”