My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Them: Just act casual
Me:
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
tell em, edith-anne
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them