Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Confused owl: What?!
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*