*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.