Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Fight
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.