I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You Might Also Like
Scream sneezers need love too.
Oh no
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.