I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.