me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!