me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*jingles half the way*
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.