Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”