*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff