her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
lol
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.