I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.