I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
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[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I wish I were this cool 😂
how much for the angry fruit?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I can’t deal with men any longer
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.