I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.