I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
These are too funny not to post 😂
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.